Why I Do Not Feel Like I Identify With Feminism

Before I get into the meat of this post, I wanted to say that I was quite taken with the perspective of the African-American women she talks about.  I think the fact that they see Feminism as a "white woman's issue" is very telling.  Much of the things Feminism fought for from the beginning, ALL African-Americans had been fighting for their entire history.  Their impression of it being a "white woman's issue" left the impression with me that white women most likely look like whiners to them.  Obviously, they'd never put it that way...but I can see the point of view of select African-American woman, viewing the "cause" of Feminism from the outside and thinking, "Well, sisters...buck up and get to work...don't wait on society to hand you what you want.  We (African-American women) learned long ago that it's up to US to work hard to make a life and not wait for so-called 'equality.'"

Personally, I identified on all three points with the following from page 10: 

"For the Catholics among them, it (Feminism) stands for a defense of abortion, which they cannot accept.  For many of the women, as well as the men, it stands for an attack on men that threatens them directly or threatens their husbands, boyfriends, or sons.  For most, it is simply irrelevant to the pressing problems of managing life from day to day."

I am Catholic, but that is not necessarily the only reason I cannot accept abortion.  Long ago, I came to the pro-life stance and NOT just because the Catholic Church said so.  My Catholic faith has helped me solidify my understanding and provided me the fortitude and strength of heart to realize abortion is never the answer even with so-called exceptions.  I lived the attack on men she mentions. 

And these days, Feminism and all it stands for is not applicable to my life.  I have a job.  I understand that the slowness in ascension in ranks CAN be attributed to the fact that I have taken maternity leave, continued to have children past what is considered "the norm" and am reluctant to proclaim myself "done."  I would never take the trade-offs offered to be equal with men in my career because being available to my family is too important to me. 

I was raised to be pro-life by my parents (though my mother remains fairly flimsy when it comes to certain aspects) and I was mildly pro-choice as a young adult. As soon as I began taking the stance for personal responsibility, I moved to the pro-life side of the aisle. When I became stronger in my faith, I parked myself firmly in that camp (no longer support any abortions…even for “exceptions”).



My parents also raised me to be anti-contraception…in their actions if not in their words (who had parents back then that talked about that stuff??) After they had my older brother and before they conceived and had me, they used an IUD. But by the time I was aware of anything, they were faithfully practicing Catholics at least with regard to contraception. And I had three younger siblings as evidence.


My parents divorced when I was 8. Looking back over the way I grew up and the decisions I made, it is so evident to me that I needed my dad. I was under a constant barrage of attacks against my father, though.  My mother read all the Feminist books of the 70s - The Feminine Mystique; Passages, and she spouted much of the regular talking points about Feminism, outside of the abortion issue.  My mother often attacked the Catholic church for their "patriarchy" and made regular attacks on my father and my older brother.  She regularly told me that I didn’t need my dad. She told me my dad didn't love me and that when Dad divorced her, Dad divorced us.  That we were throwaways.  She told me that I should never need a man…and that I needed to be completely independent.

As a result of these attacks, I came to believe certain things about men that impacted my relationships negatively:  1)  Men are scum (yes…my mother called my dad "scum."  She called all men "scum."  Then, when convenient, she turned the attack into an attack on my older brother by saying, "You are just like your dad!") 2)  Men and are (chauvinist) pigs (yes…my mother called my dad that, too.  Actually, usually it was "Men are pigs" or "Your dad is a pig"...but sometimes the chauvinist qualifier was thrown in for emphasis.) 3)  The only thing men care about is getting between your legs (yes, sadly, she said this about my dad, too.)  I grew up to believe that men were incapable of love.

My relationships with boys and men were severely affected by this experience.  As a teenager, when dating, I allowed boys to use me and I tried to use them. Growing up, I never believed my dad when he would tell me he wanted me and he loved me. I didn’t trust the men I had relationships with. I was in all of my relationships with men FOR MYSELF (because men had nothing worthy to offer me, I believed). I would take what I could gain from the relationship and never trust the man in the relationship to really care…he always had ulterior motives.

My impression of men had become, over the years, was that men were animals incapable of making decisions about anything due to their insatiable desire for sex.  So, for the sake of escaping a life full of loneliness, I acquiesced.  My mother could have been a talking head for the Feminist mentality.  She often told me that sex was a necessary evil…if you wanted companionship, you were going to have to have sex…it wouldn’t be glorious, but you’d keep your man and probably have a couple kids along the way. 

To be honest, my mother has often been a schizophrenic influence because her actions said one thing and her mouth another. She is still that way...for example before she married her current husband, she behaved one way politically and socially...and by a few years after their marriage, she was back to the man-hating, feminist-minded speech I had always heard growing up...only now she applied it generally and not specifically. (As an adult, I put a stop to her barrage of attacks on my father in her presence. She was not happy that I didn't share her opinion and even now, I often have to cut her off and tell her that I won't allow it.)



I can't remember if I responded on the post about relationships with mothers or not.  And I realize this post is mother-daughter-relationship-heavy.  But to understand why I believe Feminism means what it does, I feel the information is relevant. 

In some respects, the life I live is proof of the success of the Feminist movement.  I have a worthy career.  I am in management.  I make a fair wage and I have been able to grow my family and keep a job (even though the growth has slowed through my child-bearing/rearing.)

In other respects, the life I live defies the Feminist movement.  I am staunchly against abortion for any reason.  I believe the use of contraception and sterilization is immoral to control the growth of family size.  I put my family...specifically the needs of my children above my own personal career growth.  And in this case, it is where I find Feminism, in its current state as irrelevant.

So, that is where I am after reading Chapter 1.  I hope to be in on the game a little sooner next week!