Have you all read the preface yet? What really struck me was her mention of mothers, and how often women try to identify themselves are different from them (pgs 6-7). I was the opposite - I always wanted to be just like my mother, and had no problem saying that. I took it as a compliment when someone said I was like her, and still do! I think I almost worshiped my mom to an extent, and I know she worried that I didn't see her faults (though for the most part I think my mother was flattered). I guess it's because she just seemed to do everything right (a perfectionist tendency) and everyone loved her that I looked up to her so much. What about you? Did you idolize your mother, or "viscerally reject" her roles, or something else altogether?
And I'll throw out a few other questions that this brought up in my mind. What did you learn about femininity from your mother? What did you learn about feminism? What do you hope your own (future) daughters (and sons) will learn from you about this?
Dust it off
5 years ago
I think what she was touching on was the previous generations (the baby boomer generation) belief that in order to be a "modern woman" you had to reject all the previous roles that their mother encompassed. In the pre-baby boomer generation (IMHO) the attitude was that ALL women should be SAHW/M, and women rebelled against this. I believe this is where the anti-stay at home mother attitude came from.
ReplyDeleteHowever in my generation I see that we are realizing that doing away with the role of SAHM has had its detriments and we are working on ways to once again make that a recognized womans "career" but also in find ways to find that role fulfilling where previous generations (the stereotypical housewife of the 1950's, etc.) has failed. Today we see mother successful SAHM, especially in blog land, will to admit that sometimes the house stays messy or the meal isn't perfect, but that doesn't mean they have failed in that role. I think this is an important step in revitalizing the respect of the wife/mother role.
I hope that we continue to push for a society that respects both women who have something add to society by pursuing work/a career and those who can bolster our society by their roles as wife/mother. I think the balance will come from realizing that perhaps not all women are meant for wife/motherhood and that whatever path they choose they can be successful, respected members of our society.
My mom was a single mother. She took on the role of father and mother. She never took me aside and said, "Now Maggie, you don't need a man to take care of you. Look at me- I've done it on my own!" I could tell she longed for a male companion, not only to help her raise me, but as a partner to express herself to.
ReplyDeleteShe never once talked to me about the role of being feminine or feminism. But it was her example that taught me just how strong-willed a woman can be. She was fine on her own, but it would have been better with both a mother and a father.
Growing up I also basically worshipped my mother, but because she was all I had. When I entered my teenage years...well....we butted heads a lot. She did NOT want me to make the same bad choices she did when she was younger. She did teach me how men should respect me.
In my early teen years I pitied my mother. She was so clearly not fully alive. Some women feel most "themselves" while pregnant and breastfeeding, but I don't think that is the case for most. So it almost seemed as if my mother was becoming an individual (again) at the same time I was (for the first time), and it was not just because I was learning to appreciate her as a person.
ReplyDeleteMy goals for myself are very different than the way my mother lived her childbearing life, but they are not really formed in opposition to my mother, since she never wanted me to follow her path.
Rae - Do you feel like your mother was having so many children because she felt she had too or because she wanted too?
ReplyDeletep.s. I forgot to talk on my mother. I respected her a lot, but I think she would have been happier without a full time job. She became more of "herself" when she went to at least 3/4 time, but for so long she continued to work the full time job because she had too (times when my father was unemployed or in school etc.)
I never felt the need to "rebel" against my mothers roles because I always felt I had choice to do whatever I felt I should. I was not ostracized for continuing my education and working full time, and I'm not ostracized when I say I can see my self taking time away from the work force to be a SAHM at some point.
I think I have a somewhat different experience in regards to mother-type female roles. My mom died when I was 7, and I was raised by my grandparents, who were part of the silent generation. My grandmother did work some when my mom and uncle were school age, but it was part-time, unskilled, supplemental work, as my grandfather was the full-time wage-earner (and career Army man).
ReplyDeleteBefore my mother died, she put herself through school and worked full-time, despite having a chronic illness, mostly because my father was unable to hold a job.
My grandmother never wore makeup or dresses; she loved sports in high school (waaayyy before title 9), and raised me to know I could do anything I wanted to. But she also deferred to my grandpa nearly all the time, and never did an outside chore as far as I can remember. Basically, what I learned from them was that men do all the outside work, and women do all the inside work.
And what I learned from my mother about being a woman was, when you marry a very broken man, you do all the work!
Most of what I learned about femininity, I had to pick up on my own. My grandmother never encouraged me to wear "cute" things or to style my hair a certain way. In fact, I was the one who wanted those things, but if I had not brought it up, she would have been content to see me in jeans and sweats with my hair in a ponytail.
My mother was the opposite of maggie's...in that she would always try to tell me that women COULD do it on their own and did NOT need a man. I think that did more harm than good over the long term.
ReplyDeleteMy mother is probably the main reason I have the knee-jerk reaction toward feminism that I do. She threw it in my face 24/7 and spoke ill of all men on a regular basis. I think my brothers called her "man-hater" and I don't blame them.
So, I really didn't have a good mother-figure to emulate growing up. It scares me because I want to be a good mother-figure for my girls, but I worry that I don't really know how. But I think my husband helps bring out the best in me, so that is a positive.
Eventually, I emulated my grandparents...both of them. They were married 63.5 years before my grandfather passed away in 2007. My grandmother is still alive, and struggling, but I have always witnessed in her what I believe a true feminine character could be. She worked a little bit, teaching piano and organ lessons, she raised the children, she lost her first baby (stillbirth) and then lost her oldest living daughter when she was 4 years old. The way my grandmother handled tragedy in her life is something I hope to be able to do should it ever strike.
I guess some of you might not know...my parents divorced when I was 8/9 years old...so that is what I mean by my mother speaking ill of my father...after the divorce.
ReplyDeleteMolly, I think that my mother felt some of both. I don't think that she started out thinking that she had to have as many children as possible but she would not consider abortion for an unplanned pregnancy (and there are a lot of those for very fertile women back in the day when people underestimated certain key aspects of male fertility).
ReplyDeleteSo, I tried to comment, but then there was a brown out... knocked out my connection... ate my comment. I love ice storms!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I was just trying to say that my mom is a great balance. She has always supported my higher education and my independence; which is a good thing for a single person. Then again, I know if I met someone, got married and stayed home with the kids, she would be equally supportive. I'm pretty sure I'd hear little to nothing about "wasting" my doctorate. She worked while I was quite young, but then decided to stay at home eventually herself.
In some ways, my parents had very traditional roles; my mom stayed home and my dad was the breadwinner. In other ways, not so much. My mom was more likely to be the one with the hammer, and my dad is the baker of the family. I love that while there is a lot of respect for masculinity and femininity in my family, my parents haven't had such strictly defined roles that they couldn't do what worked best for them.
There may be other reasons that my mom and I can get on each other's nerves, but I certainly don't reject her role model in this area.